It's always when I wake up a little earlier like this that I start thinking about everything and anything. It feels a bit strange, most of the time. Right now I do have a lot of things that I worry about and it does bring my mood down a bit when all of it enters my head at the same time. As stupid as it may sound, most of these things are relatively small, but small tings put together can create large problems. In the end at least. So this will be a bit of a venting entry, I suppose. And if you're not up for reading my ranting for a while, I'll actually advice you to stop reading right here, thank you. 

 

There's been a few new, unexpected events that have made things a bit more complicated here than I'd like them to be. First one being that my roommate's health has become poor and she has to go back to Sweden for proper health care. We've known each other for ten years, so of course I worry a lot about her condition and how things will turn out. Sure we've fixed things with our landlord and I have a new roommate who's coming here soon ( i know her too since before ) but it still feels strange. And if anything I suppose I shouldn't complain because if anyone's going through a hard time, it's her not me. And I feel so stupid for even mentioning it most of the time.  But I do worry about how things will be when she's not here, mostly because I don't really trust myself with taking care of things without asking for advice first. But I guess I'll have to man up and get my self together and do the best I can. 

 

After this we have more recent events. I worry about a close friend of mine. This has to do with emotional involvement and I won't go into details, for her sake and my own. But out circumstances have grown a bit complicated I suppose, and I hope things won't be ruined. She means the world to me, even if she lives on the other side of the globe, she really does. We've known each other for almost two years now and we usually speak frequently. ( Mostly through text messages but also skype. ) And now when thigns are like this we don't speak at all, because of course I accepted and uderstood her need for space when she explained her reasons. It just hurts a bit, to know somethig so stupid as me babbling might have ruined a friendship that I treasure so much. It makes me feel hideous, for not niticing the way she felt before she had to say it to me. And it honestly makes me want to cry from time to time. It's like this stupidly heavy lump of emotions, settled in my stomach and moving up towards my throat. I really don't know what to do about it. I will have to wait and see, hope she talks to me again. I just worry that she won't. I don't want to pressure her at all, so I leave it up to her for now. No matter how much I apologize I suppose I can't change things, even though she says it's not my fault. 

 

Then I have worries about my own stupid emotional involvement, something that's related to the previous problem. I don't want to say much, I never know who might read this, but it's getting to me, slowly. Because I don't know if what I feel is even acceptable by the counter part. If there's even the slightest spark or if I'm just imagining things. It's a bit difficult to handle for me, because it's such a new thing. I rarely do these things, I rarely start to feel something I consider to be realer than most other things and I guess I should slow down, hold my horses and observe things a bit more closely. Because right now I jsut feel so fucking stupid. I do things I shouldn't do, and I have no idea why. I don't feel as if it's wrong when it actually happens but when I have time to think all that happiness I felt in that particular moment turn into worry and the lump in my stomach grows larger and it makes me nauseous. Why does something that's supposed to be fun and amazing and beautiful have to turn so ugly? I really wish I had a answer to that. 

 

I apologize for this entry, I apologize to you who've read it because it's not fun and cheery like I want it to be but I can't hold this in anymore. There's so much more than this, but sharing all of it will make this entry too long. (and robably too annoyingly hurtful for me to write) So I'll end it here, speaking of the main problems that I have. I apologize for and typos as well, because I won't do spell check on this, re-reading it will make me hesitate in posting. 

 

Thank you for your time, and patience.